Krishna Conscious - Vedikly acceptable Jokes


Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

'Hasya' or humour, created using either a situation or a behaviour-mode, easily reveals in dialogues and gestures during a play but a difficult theme for a sculpture or painting. There are, however, some excellent examples of 'Hasya' in pictoral art also and these days in cartoons. Besides caricatures and 'bhangeris'-type characters, myths, legends or stories are also used for depicting humour. For example Lord Shiva is camping with Parvati under a tree in the forest. As Shiva is adorned with serpents, a serpent, drapes across the otherwise naked form of Shiva like a loincloth, is covering his private parts. Hearing of him being there under the tree, Lord Vishnu, along with Garuda, His faithful vehicle, comes to pay him homage. The snake, as soon as it sees the bird carrier Garuda, his natural enemy, abandons Shiva leaving him all exposed and naked and flees into an anthill. It is humour by situation. Deliberate tricks and or sarcasm, usually bringing forth the philosophy and culture, sometimes in Krishna-related themes, are also used for creating humour.

To read more about Hasya visit our pages

FOR YOUR INTEREST: This one is not a joke but I thought you might like to know. These are the names of Lord Caitanya taken from the book "Sri Caitanya Sahasra Nama Stotra", i.e. "A Thousand Names of Lord Caitanya" by Srila Kavi Karnapura (as translated by HG Kusakratha Prabhu from the Krsna Institute)...

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816


This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE


.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

Little Johnny burst into the house, sopping wet and crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was.

"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, when he was reeling it in, the line busted, ....and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Johnny,"" his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did, Mama.........."


 ISKCON is finally recognising the huge contributions that non resident Indians are making.  In addition to the main Managal Arati and Gaura Arati,
all temples will now have a daily Gujar Arati.

sent in by Mahamantra prabhu in UK


I heard that in the 60s and 70s there was a joke going round ISKCON:  "There are so many Jews on the Governing Body Commission, they have renamed it the 'Jew BC.'"  On a less anti-semitic note, here is a joke on the same theme..
 
Archaeologists in India have discovered an ancient scripture dedicated to the Jewish culture.  It's been dubbed the "OY Veda".

sent in by Mahamantra prabhu - UK

Apologies in advance for any inadvertent Vaishnava aparadhas.  :o)


What do you call a Japanese Gopi?
 
Kawasakhi

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP



 


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in antarctica ...... Where do they go?
 
Wonder no more!
 
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
 
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
 
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing, "Freeze a jolly good fellow."



My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the for- bidden treat.

From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."

 I was walking down the  road today and saw my Afghani neighbour Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony franticly shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

  While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
       As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
       Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."


A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.

I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"



While interviewing a short, small breasted Pennsylvania blonde for a job, the employer decided to ask her a philosophical question.

"If you could spend an evening talking to any person, living or dead, who would it be?"

She enthusiastically responded, "The living one!"

//Note to Ann: This joke is NOT about you!!//Dave (the sender)


A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?"

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "....have gone back for more rocks."

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."


  Did you ever wonder? 

just see if we hadn't bought the boat.........


Good news !!!
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought high octane or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probing carefully.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife, "I told the man to put in ten dollars worth."



 

Gambing Doesn't Pay:

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM

The third grade at the Gurukul was being given a course in first aid.

The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "I'd climb through the window!"



DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

Why do drive-up ATMs have Braille on them? It's required by federal law as part of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

* Truths

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster:  You're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

from Patricia


A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"



The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
 "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."



A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster


Prayer

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

The ways of this material world - strange but true


"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"


When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block


We went to dinner at a new friend's house. While they ate, the new friend's small son Ravi kept staring at one of the guests.

Finally, the guest asked the boy, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"

The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self made man."

"I am."

"Well, why on Earth did you make yourself like that?"


After being away on business, Aravind thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Aravind complained.

Growing a little annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Aravind, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.



A young lady in our congregation was already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"



Four fonts walk into a cafe the cafe manager says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Not the yuga dharma


ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/devilsdictionary/


A Scotsman, who was planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked.""Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,  "it's no wonder he walked."


 

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:


 

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.
(From zed, z, and jag, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)

He zedjagged so uncomen wyde
Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;
So, to com saufly thruh, I been
Constreynet for to doodge betwene.
­Munwele

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/devilsdictionary/



A jumper cable  walks into a cafe, the cafe owner says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "One please, and one for the road."

only in India

A blonde puts a book on the librarian's desk and says, "This book has no story and way too many characters."
The librarian says, "So that's where the phone book went."


makes one wonder, what does exactly go on the shelf???

....and for the adventurous - The people of Walmart
http://peopleofwalmart.com/

sent in by Achyuta Radhika dd in NY

Sex education
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies5824.html

(once you get to the page scroll down to reach the Movie, then click on it and it should begin)
 


WHAT ??? the......


I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative.
Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes its the nose.

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'




sent in by Achyuta Radhika mataji - NY


sent in by Achyuta Radhika mataji - NY



sent in by Achyuta Radhika mataji - NY



sent in by Achyuta Radhika mataji - NY



sent in by Achyuta Radhika mataji - NY

One of my workmates of Iranian descent had been on a rather successful diet.  I said "Wow!  You put the 'slim' into Muslim!"
She replied, "And luckily for you I've taken the 'fat' out of fatwa!"

Mahamantra prabhu - UK

Sannyasi:  Bhakta Sandesh, why are you chanting so quickly?
Bhakta Sandesh: (out of breath and sweating)  Because the TP said this morning, "Today is ekadasi.  Chant 25 rounds and fast."

Mahamantra prabhu - UK


How to get to Heaven in Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTA BE FLAMIN' DEAD..........'

sent in by Gary Kearns - Q8

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."

Albert Einstein Quote



.......and always remember (don't forget...)
SMILE IT MAKES THE WORLD WONDER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO ;)

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf


 
 


































































































































I can't believe you actually clicked on that